What have you done for me lately?

I’ll try this again.

I am getting better at Self Care, slowing but surly.

I’m great at doing what I want to.

What makes me happy.

What fulfills my creative needs.

It’s the slowing down when I need it most.

As far as when I really need to be pampering my self.

Take some quiet time for conscious relaxation.

The days where I feel a little rage,

or hormones are coming on strong.

Instead of taking a bath and reading,

I tend to be destructive.

This may involve spiraling about how to get out of here,

to a place where there are no thoughts.

(which is just my own head)

Or drink alcohol to buffer.

Or have a rich meal to feel something other than chaos.

Of course, it doesn’t work.

It makes me mentally and physically sick.

The worry, more than anything I could put into my body.

However, awareness is the first step to transformation.

I recognize this little demon the second she shows up.

I have come far enough in my process, that I can make friends with her.

And the length of her stay is much shorter than it use to be.

I am learning kindness and compassion for her.

I am learning that she doesn’t want to be fed with anger and worry.

What she is longing for is a deep, long, cathartic hug.

Permission to know it’s okay to take a day off

from being on.

I practice the work I offer others, daily.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t have old patterns.

On the contrary,

actively working on myself makes me a better coach.

My mentor, Brooke Castillo, says life is 50/50.

No matter how much you accomplish,

or how much you have.

Your emotions are going to be 50% positive

and 50% negative.

But the negative is no longer bad once you make friends.

It’s all the same.

You learn to love all of it.

And it informs you.

Even in a spiral where nothing is really “wrong”.

It’s just an opportunity to go to the movies,

to treat yourself to a long bath,

to get your nails done or take a nap.

Whatever allows you to just be

in the living of life.

I also have some huge things coming in the new year.

They are exciting and scary.

I am really putting myself out there for success

and the resistance,

the self limiting talk is showing up,

as I knew she would.

I had my day.

There are no regrets.

Now it’s time to tighten my laces,

put on some Janet

and get to work.

finding vibhuti

2018 was my year of saying yes,

to all of the things I usually say no to.

You can’t transform if you don’t change.

It’s not possible.

I am a hands on learner.

I can read books and watch videos,

but the essence for me is in the pulse of life connection.

It’s also hard for me to connect to a community virtually,

but I have. And that feels good too.

Every time I close my eyes for conscious breathing,

I realize I have all of the answers I will ever need

and also, that I know absolutely nothing at all.

I was invited to attend a sisters circle last night.

When I heard about it, I was intrigued.

I have very little experience as an adult in a group of women

on an intimate level.

It is something I am actively seeking.

But of course,

when the time came,

I could have easily stayed home.

I didn’t know what to expect really.

I may know one or two of the sisters, but not close.

But, this is my year and I have to put in the work

when the offer is so blatently presented.

I bought some dark chocolate as an offering.

Brushed my hair.

Had an early dinner with my sweetheart and off I went.

I am not a shy person,

in fact, I have no problem meeting most people.

I am however an introvert and never get lonely,

which is why staying home is always the easier option.

The details of the entire event are not what is important here.

However, I was gifted a very special sacred powder manifest from the hands of a revered Guru.

Blessed by enchanting Priestess named Amethyst.

I felt the subtle layer of my body where I hold my deepest truths, soften.

I cried.

I signed so deeply that I could see the basket of arms for the game of trust I have been longing to experience with a group of women open eternally for me.

Needless to say, it was life altering.

I didn’t know anyone.

But I knew every single one of them by heart.

If I didn’t say yes,

I would have been in my pajamas

listening to a podcast

working on my watercolors.

All great things.

But things I have done before and will have the change to again.

If you want your life to look different,

you have to step outside of your comfort zone.

You have to say yes to the things that knock on your door.

Put your coat on

and go for a walk.

It always turns out way better than you could have possibly imagined.

Next time you wish your life was different,

ask your self when was the last time you changed?

Bubble Boundaries

I have three year old son.

He is extremely affectionate.

He also uses his need/desire for physical contact as a manipulation tool,

when he wants to distract me from the matter at hand.

It’s very clever.

How can a Mother deny her Childs request for hugs and kisses?

It’s hard, but it must be done.

He also doesn’t fully understand personal space.

He expresses his boundaries, but has yet to understand that I have them too.

We came up with a term in our house called “bubble boundary”.

The more I think about relationships and how offended we can get by the other,

but how little we look at our own actions, I realized, it’s not just three year olds,

it’s everyone.

I don’t need to explain, hopefully, what bubble boundary means.

But what I would like to express is that it’s good to define what your bubble boundaries are.

And, to have a way you can clearly and easily express them to people that pop yours.

People who we think don’t respect our boundaries,

might not actually know what they are.

We spend a lot of time assuming false realities based on our own perceptions of the world,

and not the reality of the others actual thoughts and intentions.

Virtual communication is particularly good for creating these assumptions.

Confrontation is hard.

If you can get very clear to yourself about what your boundries are,

you can express them without worry of too much drama.

Boundaries are necessary in maintaining healthy relationships.

They are personal space limitations we all have and need.

I think if we establish boundaries more in our relationships,

a deeper level of understanding can exist without anger or feelings getting hurt.

Once you have made things clear before an incident occurs,

all you need to do is throw your hands in the air and say,

“Bubble Boundary”, and it’s an automatic non—negotiable pause.

We can not blame others for making us feel bad

when they don’t know what our limits, needs and boundaries are.

It is every individuals personal responsibility to ask for what they need.

If those needs are not met, then it is your choice to direct your energy elsewhere.

If you're feeling the victim by other peoples actions,

try expressing your bubble boundaries, it might do the trick.