What have you done for me lately?

I’ll try this again.

I am getting better at Self Care, slowing but surly.

I’m great at doing what I want to.

What makes me happy.

What fulfills my creative needs.

It’s the slowing down when I need it most.

As far as when I really need to be pampering my self.

Take some quiet time for conscious relaxation.

The days where I feel a little rage,

or hormones are coming on strong.

Instead of taking a bath and reading,

I tend to be destructive.

This may involve spiraling about how to get out of here,

to a place where there are no thoughts.

(which is just my own head)

Or drink alcohol to buffer.

Or have a rich meal to feel something other than chaos.

Of course, it doesn’t work.

It makes me mentally and physically sick.

The worry, more than anything I could put into my body.

However, awareness is the first step to transformation.

I recognize this little demon the second she shows up.

I have come far enough in my process, that I can make friends with her.

And the length of her stay is much shorter than it use to be.

I am learning kindness and compassion for her.

I am learning that she doesn’t want to be fed with anger and worry.

What she is longing for is a deep, long, cathartic hug.

Permission to know it’s okay to take a day off

from being on.

I practice the work I offer others, daily.

But it doesn’t mean I don’t have old patterns.

On the contrary,

actively working on myself makes me a better coach.

My mentor, Brooke Castillo, says life is 50/50.

No matter how much you accomplish,

or how much you have.

Your emotions are going to be 50% positive

and 50% negative.

But the negative is no longer bad once you make friends.

It’s all the same.

You learn to love all of it.

And it informs you.

Even in a spiral where nothing is really “wrong”.

It’s just an opportunity to go to the movies,

to treat yourself to a long bath,

to get your nails done or take a nap.

Whatever allows you to just be

in the living of life.

I also have some huge things coming in the new year.

They are exciting and scary.

I am really putting myself out there for success

and the resistance,

the self limiting talk is showing up,

as I knew she would.

I had my day.

There are no regrets.

Now it’s time to tighten my laces,

put on some Janet

and get to work.

The Heart Is A Muscle, Work It.

This is the tagline of the kettlebell gym I went to today.

Knowing the name of the gym is, Bleeding Hearts,

I’m sure the statement has multiple meanings to them as well.

This to me is everything.

I am a Mind Body Coach.

This means I believe that all of the parts of our experience support one another.

The body supports the mind.

And the mind, the body.

But inside of all of that wonderful mess,

lies, the heart.

To stay balanced and moving forward,

we must acknowledge all of it.

With the heart,

we are talking about something very physical,

and yet, ethereal.

I believe it’s health matters on all planes of existnace

and again, supports the whole.

When we ignore our emotional body,

the part of us that is the gate way to our truest essence,

we get sick.

Our soul suffers.

Creativity is stifled.

We can not look at physical symptoms alone,

we must question the emotional state as well.

The art of allowing is a practice that helps.

When there are emotions that resonate in the heart space,

a sacred pause is required.

Tune into sensation.

Shit the perspective to witness.

Close your eyes.

Breathe deeper.

Sit back, watch and allow.

Soon the tightness around the heart softens.

Space is made.

The heart becomes stronger,

it is now safe from the minds rantings

that we must either fight, die or run.

Instead we show up calmly,

with courage and compassion.

We know the truth.

Our heart needs to be set free.

Each time you work your heart like this,

the process becomes easier.

Just like swinging kettlebells.

finding vibhuti

2018 was my year of saying yes,

to all of the things I usually say no to.

You can’t transform if you don’t change.

It’s not possible.

I am a hands on learner.

I can read books and watch videos,

but the essence for me is in the pulse of life connection.

It’s also hard for me to connect to a community virtually,

but I have. And that feels good too.

Every time I close my eyes for conscious breathing,

I realize I have all of the answers I will ever need

and also, that I know absolutely nothing at all.

I was invited to attend a sisters circle last night.

When I heard about it, I was intrigued.

I have very little experience as an adult in a group of women

on an intimate level.

It is something I am actively seeking.

But of course,

when the time came,

I could have easily stayed home.

I didn’t know what to expect really.

I may know one or two of the sisters, but not close.

But, this is my year and I have to put in the work

when the offer is so blatently presented.

I bought some dark chocolate as an offering.

Brushed my hair.

Had an early dinner with my sweetheart and off I went.

I am not a shy person,

in fact, I have no problem meeting most people.

I am however an introvert and never get lonely,

which is why staying home is always the easier option.

The details of the entire event are not what is important here.

However, I was gifted a very special sacred powder manifest from the hands of a revered Guru.

Blessed by enchanting Priestess named Amethyst.

I felt the subtle layer of my body where I hold my deepest truths, soften.

I cried.

I signed so deeply that I could see the basket of arms for the game of trust I have been longing to experience with a group of women open eternally for me.

Needless to say, it was life altering.

I didn’t know anyone.

But I knew every single one of them by heart.

If I didn’t say yes,

I would have been in my pajamas

listening to a podcast

working on my watercolors.

All great things.

But things I have done before and will have the change to again.

If you want your life to look different,

you have to step outside of your comfort zone.

You have to say yes to the things that knock on your door.

Put your coat on

and go for a walk.

It always turns out way better than you could have possibly imagined.

Next time you wish your life was different,

ask your self when was the last time you changed?

Christmas in Mexico

This is what I want the title of my memoir to be.

As it would be the ideal description of my life.

Sparkling lights.

Religious iconography.

Perfect sunsets.

And of course, margaritas.

I look for plane tickets to some location that is not my home usually weekly.

I never book a flight.

But knowing I could if I wanted to makes me somehow feel better.

That if all else fails,

I’ve got an out.

Wrong.

Fat chance.

I’ve been there, and done that,

too many times to count.

If I can live on the beach and teach yoga,

everything will be amazing.

If Im in a country steeped with cultural tradition and art,

I will feel more alive and connected to spirit.

Where siesta are encouraged,

and a 6 day work week is a way of life.

Where families live together and support one another

until it makes sense to go off on their own.

Everyone has their own “Christmas in Mexico”,

but we all know that;

where ever you go, there you are.

The, If I just had this one thing, then everything will be amazing, syndrome

is a way of life for many of us.

It’s only the momentary tequila buzz or sea breeze sun salutation

that convinces me it would change everything.

Running away to a new house, a new country, a new partner or a new job,

changes nothing about who you are on the inside.

How you control your thoughts.

How you stay motivated and encouraged.

How you offer compassion to yourself and others.

Unless you are in an abusive situation, you really can be happy anywhere

because emotions are based on thoughts, not circumstance.

Do you have preference? Yes.

Are there things that suite your skills better? Absolutely.

My mentor, Brooke Castillo, of The Life Coach School says, change nothing until you’re happy.

Other people and things don’t create your happiness, your thoughts do.

If you believe if free will,

then you should believe you have the freedom of what you choose to think.

Will people be jerks? Yep.

Will your job be boring? You can guarantee it.

But it still does not choose your thoughts for you.

I choose to find joy and contentment in the act of being alive.

If I have expectations of someone,

it is my responsibility to make sure they know that and are in agreement with it.

If I want to feel more successful with work and making meaningful connections,

I need to get my self out there and take a step in the direction of the greatness I seek.

It will not happen with me tucked away watching Netflix.

Be the bad ass boss that you are.

In control of your thoughts and feelings.

And then, when there are random acts of kindness in the world, bonus.

Trust me, when you start taking care of you the best,

leaving things in the world better than you found them,

you are in a state of allowing abundance to come your way.

Expect nothing, work your butt off and you will receive more than you ever thought possible.

This doesn’t mean I don’t plan on spending Christmas in Mexico,

because that sounds amazing.

But it might mean a Margarita in the snow may be a new tradition.

The happiness I seek only exists in one place.

And I don’t need to get on a plane to find it.

Salud!

Bubble Boundaries

I have three year old son.

He is extremely affectionate.

He also uses his need/desire for physical contact as a manipulation tool,

when he wants to distract me from the matter at hand.

It’s very clever.

How can a Mother deny her Childs request for hugs and kisses?

It’s hard, but it must be done.

He also doesn’t fully understand personal space.

He expresses his boundaries, but has yet to understand that I have them too.

We came up with a term in our house called “bubble boundary”.

The more I think about relationships and how offended we can get by the other,

but how little we look at our own actions, I realized, it’s not just three year olds,

it’s everyone.

I don’t need to explain, hopefully, what bubble boundary means.

But what I would like to express is that it’s good to define what your bubble boundaries are.

And, to have a way you can clearly and easily express them to people that pop yours.

People who we think don’t respect our boundaries,

might not actually know what they are.

We spend a lot of time assuming false realities based on our own perceptions of the world,

and not the reality of the others actual thoughts and intentions.

Virtual communication is particularly good for creating these assumptions.

Confrontation is hard.

If you can get very clear to yourself about what your boundries are,

you can express them without worry of too much drama.

Boundaries are necessary in maintaining healthy relationships.

They are personal space limitations we all have and need.

I think if we establish boundaries more in our relationships,

a deeper level of understanding can exist without anger or feelings getting hurt.

Once you have made things clear before an incident occurs,

all you need to do is throw your hands in the air and say,

“Bubble Boundary”, and it’s an automatic non—negotiable pause.

We can not blame others for making us feel bad

when they don’t know what our limits, needs and boundaries are.

It is every individuals personal responsibility to ask for what they need.

If those needs are not met, then it is your choice to direct your energy elsewhere.

If you're feeling the victim by other peoples actions,

try expressing your bubble boundaries, it might do the trick.

Finding your way in the dark

What is significant about a new moon?

To some it means absolutely nothing.

To others, they plan their days around the lunar cycle.

Does it change your life regardless if you are aware of it or not?

I think so.

The moon is our closest celestial sister.

Many things on earth work they way they do because of the presence of the moon.

If you choose to pay attention, it becomes obvious.

The new moon for me represents a blank slate of limitless possibilities.

If you had a black chalkboard that represented your life, what would you draw?

Being the last new moon of the year, I think it’s important to answer this question

with refection on the year that has past.

I tend to focus my energy on the the things that really blossomed

and what supported that growth.

Appreciation for the existence of something keeps it thriving.

What was useful that helped you grow this year?

How can you nourish that, so it keeps supporting you?

When I ask my self this question, two things come up.

One, is my dear life partner.

And the other is a time this year of deep re-membering.

I want to feed and nourish these things so they continue to help me flourish.

So I can add to the amazing gifts they all ready offer in my life.

My partner and I went through great transformation and dove deeper into our intimacy.

Not to mention his presence as an active co-listener, guide and collaborator.

This made room for my own personal journey inward to grow and expand.

I was lead to a retreat where I connected with a sisterhood I was longing for.

There I found a deep rooted space for the new phase in my life as a Mother.

And the reclamation of the Creatrix, Witch, Goddess and Priestess I have always been.

It changed everything.

On this Dark Moon, I give space for those gifts in my life to run wild.

To visualize how I want to honor and feed them.

And also how I want to continue to grow in the light of such beauty.

Finding your way in the dark means there’s no right or wrong way,

there’s no path laid out for you.

Only the calling of your cosmic hearts desires and dreams.

You get to decide what to take with you and what can stay behind.

I’m choosing to take into the dark those things which bring light into my life.

So when I am scared or lost, I will have a beacon to take refuge in.

The path is always yours to choose, but choose what comes along for the ride wisely.

I invite you to begin the preparations for the new year now.

Take your time.

Reflect and really think about what you want to draw on your chalkboard.

The light of the moon will be back soon with new messaged to share.

Until then, dream wildly.

There’s room for you here.

New Moon Blessings,

Mary

lose yourself

I couldn’t sleep last night.

This doesn’t happen often.

I have too many ideas

and not enough to show for my thoughts.

The endless possibilities of this year’s final dark moon was calling.

I am awake and listening.

In a world where anything is possible,

I can’t seem to hold on to the best of me and let it shine.

I don’t need fame

or fortune,

just the ability to sleep at night knowing my creative endeavors

mean something.

From my energetic and spiritual perspective, any pursuit made from the heart is worthy,

regardless of who knows.

This year I have been working with courage.

Not the absence of fear,

yet the presence of unflinching faith in vulnerability.

Saying yes more to the deepest parts of me

and saying no to the illusions that only ever served as a reminder of the distant truth.

I believe our work is what’s in front of us.

Its what we resist the most.

Moving through resistance brings great transformation.

But not when you white knuckle it.

You can’t move into a a state of real change kicking and screaming.

There has to be a sense of allowing and letting go.

Of losing yourself.

The regrets of the past

and the story of the future.

The constructs that have scared you into believing

you need to be different

and you’re not enough.

“If you had

One shot

Or one opportunity

To seize everything you ever wanted

In one moment

Would you capture it

Or just let it slip?” (Eminem, 2002)

I want to believe I would throw myself wildly into the unknown of this moment.

Would you?

The reality is,

it’s not just one moment.

Every single moment holds this opportunity.

To go deep,

past the veil,

through the shadows and flames.

To lose yourself

and to find what you’ve become

wasn’t so scary after all.

It was you.

What do you value?

Our senses are on constant overload.

It’s more important now than ever,

that our thoughts are strongly rooted in our values.

I think this is true for the groups we belong to,

most importantly, our families.

Have you ever asked your partner, children or yourself, what your values are?

It might be time.

If you never think about them or define them, how do you know if you are supporting them?

When my values are clear in my head I make better decisions.

I bounce back from disappointments.

I take things other people do less personal.

Most importantly, my thoughts are in alignment with my highest self.

This is the fullest and best expression of who I want to be and why.

When we define our values, there’s no guessing.

We are better at attracting others with who are like minded.

We are better at showing up for our loved ones, community and ourself in ways that are meaningful.

Values are things that are of great importance in our lives.

They take priority over other things.

They hold great merit and worth for ways we spend our time at work and at play.

The values I hold of highest regard in my life and what they mean to me are:

Authenticity: the willingness to be vulnerable and bold.

Responsibility: taking ownership of my thoughts, feelings and actions

Compassion: the ability to exhibit empathy for myself and all beings everywhere.

Creativity: expressing the spark of my essence that will never die and connects me to the great mysteries of life.

Adventure: from the everyday routines to off trail backpacking, there is an shift of the heart when you allow each new moment to shine.

If you are interested in creating some real intimacy in your life, this will do the trick.

Get cleat about you.

No more excuses.

No more blaming.

The time is now.

There’s room in this for you.

Let’s ride this wave together.

Why I care.

I believe we are all here with the limitless possibility to create meaning in our lives.

This doesn’t alway mean happiness.

I do think joy however, is a byproduct of a life worth living.

This is different for everyone.

Living an ordinary life full of routine can be mundane or full of magic.

The choice is up to you.

If you approach your routine from the same perspective everyday, it’s going to be the same.

When you open up to the endless possibilities of how you can experience your world,

creativity takes over.

This is the spark of divinity that runs through each of us.

If you don’t stop to look around once and a while, you will miss all of it.

The peace that comes from allowing life to happen and making space for creativity

changes the world.

The only way to truly make real lasting positive change,

is by being a example of what’s possible.

I want nothing more than to see your light shining as bright as it can.

Creativity is your birthright.

I want to live in a world where more peace exists.

This starts with each one of us.

It’s dedicated hardworking.

But nothing worth doing is easy.

You don’t have to navigate the waters alone.

I am here to help you on this path.

There is room in this for you.